Marriage is Hell and Love is a Battlefield: What You Don’t Know About Marriage If You Haven’t Been Married
Q: What is marriage?
A: Marriage is like the U.S. Marines -- it's not a rose garden!
If Harry & Sally had an awkward multi-year courtship on
the way to the altar, I would say that my husband and I had a completely catastrophic
19-year courtship on the way to the courthouse.
As of this writing, it is now the 21st
anniversary of the beginning of our long and unconventional relationship, which
started with a chance meeting on Valentine’s night in 1999; and our two-year marriage
anniversary is still a couple months away which took place on a Friday the 13th
in 2018 -- unconventional is putting it mildly!
In fact, I’ve now known my husband for over half of my life
and it didn’t happen without overcoming a lot of issues that rip many couples apart
-- the funny thing is that we dealt with most of those issues before we ever
got married, LOL!
Needless to say, I put my time and tears into our
relationship, and I totally earned the title of Wife just like mothers earn
their stretchmarks -- with pride! It’s now a life goal of mine to never
relinquish my wifely title until death do us part, and I only wish more
examples of such dedication were part of modern pop culture.
Even though we have faced many bitter battles together already, I know we still have more challenges
ahead of us that we won’t see coming until they hit; but that is precisely what
marriage is -- getting through the uncertainty with someone you not only love
but want to go through it with!
My husband and I have made a Sunday night ritual out of
watching 90 Day Fiancé on TLC, because we love laughing at couples who are
figuring out how to be a couple while preparing to get married at the same time;
the couples argue with each other when they aren’t married or living together or
even paying the bills together yet -- if only they would show what happens when
it’s time to pay the bills!
It totally makes me laugh and roll my eyes when couples on
reality shows, scripted shows, and in movies, question if someone is ‘the one’
they want to be with forever, and how do they know when someone is ‘the one’; but
it finally occurred to me the other day how to tell when someone is the one, and
it’s not because you can’t live without them -- it’s because you want to live
with them through the good and the bad, but especially the bad.
For anyone who is unsure if someone is ‘the one’ I recommend
asking yourself this one question: Who do I want to walk through hell with and
come out with on the other side? No matter what that hell consists of --
infidelity, debt, unemployment, illness, lawsuits, gambling, addictions, their
career, their parents, their friends -- whoever you want to go through hell
with, that is ‘the one’ to marry. And if taking an unplanned trip through hell
with someone isn’t what you want, then don’t get married and go take up
gardening instead!
While the dream and goal is to have a marriage free of
strife, the reality is that marriage is not always a rose garden, and sometimes
the only easy day was yesterday as the Navy SEALs like to say. Even though infidelity and divorce might sound
like the worst things that could happen to a marriage, that’s only because the
people who think that most likely haven’t lived long enough to understand what
else can happen in a marriage -- catastrophic medical emergencies and financial
upsets, just to name two biggies.
I chuckle at physical infidelities and the women who say
they refuse to put up with a spouse who would do such a thing. Would those same
women put up with someone who had a stroke, or a heart attack, or lost a job,
or got sued, or any other number of issues that happen to a person not always
by choice but due to life happening the way they didn’t plan? Would those women
feel betrayed by a spouse who got sick, and would they leave a sick spouse the
same as they would leave a cheating spouse? Exactly what do some women think
marriage is anyway -- a rose garden where thorns don’t exist?
When someone is sick, that means something is wrong and it
needs to be fixed by addressing the problem and taking care of it; and infidelity
is no different because it means something is wrong and it needs to be fixed by
addressing the problem and taking care of it, namely the relationship. But I digress.
What can make marriage so scary is the very essence of what
marriage is -- unplanned problems and working through the problems together because you
love that person enough to work with them instead of working against them, or
holding their past faults against them without any chance of redemption.
When it comes to the classic marriage vows, I think the
phrase ‘in sickness and in health’ should be replaced with ‘through heart
attacks, strokes, and changing fitness regimes’; and the phrase ‘for richer or
poorer’ should be updated to ‘for money or for debt’ so that people taking the vows are
given a clearer understanding of what marriage can be and what they are getting
into -- loving someone to the point that you’ll stay with them when their
body/mind/diet/income changes, and when you have to work together to pay off debt
instead of having fun racking up debt.
Marriage isn’t about staying together only when things are
good; staying together in good times is easy, and what is easily gained can be
easily lost.
Marriage is about staying together through the worst and
working towards something better for the love of one another. That’s not to say
marriage can’t have breaks at times, or the two can’t have a break from each
other to cool off when needed; just so as long as both parties know that the
marriage isn’t over and that they need to figure out how to work together to find
solutions instead of rehashing the problems and blaming each other.
Marriage is not always pretty or perfect, nor is it without challenges
that are unique to each couple. I used to think that people who stayed married
without divorce must have had no problems in their lives and that’s what made them
stay together; but it’s getting through the problems together that makes the marriage
and the spouses stronger.
The main difference between marriage and an unmarried
relationship, as I’ve learned firsthand, is the legal contract that binds the
two parties together. Sure, it’s easier to separate without court being involved,
but it’s only easier on the legal end; it’s still painful, it still hurts, it
still costs money, it’s still embarrassing, and it totally sucks to end a
relationship with a person you love and never envisioned leaving, and I speak
from bad experiences.
For all the bad experiences that tore my husband and I apart
before we were married, it has made us better, wiser, and stronger. I’m glad he’s
the one I went through it with because there is no one else I want to go
through hell with -- and there’s no one who makes me laugh like he does, even
when we’re in hell!
While I have nothing against divorce and understand why it
exists (and sometimes divorce is the best option for all parties involved), the
hopeful long-shot believer in me likes to think that, even if it sounds
impossible in today’s world, no matter how bad something is two people who love
each other will walk through their own private hell together in search of
something better without letting anything or anyone tear them asunder.
I dedicate this post to my husband who has survived the Marines,
hernia surgeries, and 21 years of me!
Looking for marriage inspiration? Check out my latest IMDb
list ‘Until Death Do They Part’ featuring 60 people (so far) who were married
only once without ever divorcing, or twice after surviving a spouse’s death, along
with people who are still married to their one and only spouse as of the time I
added them to the list (and I hope they never divorce)!
Thank you for reading!
Reference Links:
When Harry Met Sally: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098635/
90 Day Fiancé: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3469050/
Until Death Do They Part: https://www.imdb.com/list/ls096231298/